Hating Idiots Since c1983

Ok it’s only hot if you put enough of the right stuff in it, namely chilli peppers. If you put carrots in it instead it would be a Carrot Prawn Curry, which I would have no interest in whatsoever. That isn’t to say I dislike carrots, they have their place though.

Ingredients

You need some kind of food mixer for this. I use a hand-held thing with a wizzy-wizzy container attachment thing with a spinny blade in it… yes.
Chop the onion, ginger and garlic up a bit and throw it in the mixer with the oil, chillis. Turn choppy thing on and keep it going till you have a smooth paste affair. Now add in the paprika, garam masala, coriander, turmeric, salt, lemon and lime juice and blitz it again. It should smell vaguely good by now.

Empty this into a decent sized pan and fry for about 5-6 minutes. Now add about 200ml boiling water and simmer for another 3-4 minutes. Whilst this is going empty the tin of tomatoes into the blitzer thing and puree that too. Add it to the pan and cook for another 10 minutes. Finally add the coconut milk and sugar.

Cook this crap for 5 minutes and then add the prawns and leave it another 5 minutes. Done!

It was probably good thinking on your part to have put some rice on 20 minutes previous to the end of this sordid affair.

Variations: If you like hot stuff then leave the seeds in, or pick hotter chillis. If you are scared of hot things then maybe miss out all of the ingredients and have a nice piece of toast instead. I added sugar – and next time I’ll add more – but I suggest you taste-test before doing this as I have no idea how wise it is.

Hello. This is a scottish thing which my non-Scottish housemate at university introduced me to. I’m sulking at the moment so without further batshit here it is:

Ingredients

Get the BIG PAN and put the sugar in it, followed by milk. Stir it a little. Add the butter and condensed milk. Put it on a medium flame thing coming out of the top of the hob area and stir. When everything has melted you’ll have a light brown mixture, put a little bit of this on a small plate so you can compare later.

Bring this thing to a boil, stirring a lot. When it bubbles turn it down to simmer and keep it like that for about 30 mins. Stir occasionally so it doesn’t stick. Every ten minutes or so put another bit of the mixture on the plate, it will be getting darker. After 30 minutes get some on a tea spoon and immerse in a bowl of cold water for 10 seconds or so. When you bring it out it should stick to the spoon, i.e be pretty solid.

Yay it is done. Take it off the heat and stir quickly for a minute or so, then pour into a baking tray that you buttered earlier. It’ll be solid before you know it. Regarding the pan, scrape all the now-hardened mixture off the sides and give it to your neighbours. Good work.

This recipe was discovered on some site by some Delia Smith. It is awesome, though only awesome if steamed for long enough. Otherwise it’s just uncooked cake, which whilst awesome isn’t quite as awesome. Awesome.

Preparation Time: 20 minutes
Cooking Time: 3 hours
Difficulty: Easy

Ingredients

Equipment

Now this one is pretty simple. Grease the pudding basins and spoon the golden syrup evenly between them. Set them aside and smash the flour, softened butter, eggs, sugar and treacle. Start beating gently and then go to town on it, preferably with an electric hand whisk. Ensure it’s all well mixed before spooning it into each of the basins.

Now to prepare for the steaming bit. First off cut 2 squares of foil and 2 squares of greaseproof to match. Lay foil on top of each of the papers. make a pleat in the middle of this ply. This then goes on top of the pudding basin. To secure it you should probably use string. I happened to have a pyrex bowl just the right diameter to seal the bowl so ner. Trim the excess paper, for leave half inch or so below whatever you used to secure it.

For the actual steaming you need a deep pan and something like skewers in the bottom so the basin doesn’t get direct heat. Place the pudding basin in this pan and add boiling water to just below the paper-foil lid, i.e. 3/4 ish of the basin should be covered. Now boil away for about 3 hours. Delia said 2 hours but that wasn’t enough for me!

I had it with custard and it was sodding excellent, if rather filling. Suggest one pudding for 2 people unless you are fat or me.

I made this the other day and then forgot how I did it, so this is my best guess at what I did.
EDIT: Oh! Wine.

Cooking Time: 45 minutes
Difficulty: Easy

Ingredients

Chop the onion and cook with the olive oil and some red wine till soft. Add the beef and stir to break it up. Cook for a little while on a medium heat till the beef looks less raw, about 5-10 minutes. Add a teaspoon of the stock powder and stir in. Add the tin of tomatoes and then the kidney beans (after draining). After about 5 minutes add however much chilli powder you like. I used quite a bit, but I’m not a girl. Anyway, then cook for another 10 minutes.

Serve with rice I’d say. As I’ve probably written elsewhere rince the rice a few times, add boiling water to twice level of rice, cover with foil and leave on the lowest heat for 20 minutes.

This recipe is from a super place called the Hummingbird Bakery. They’re rather more complex than the Golden Cupcakes but rather crazy tasty too.

Preparation Time: 20 minutes
Cooking Time: 25 minutes
Difficult: Medium

Ingredients

Place the flour, sugar, baking powder, salt and butter in a bowl and whisk (preferably with a machine) till it’s mixed into fine sand texture. Beat in half the milk, but don’t beat overly mental.
NB: If you don’t have baking powder just use self raising instead of plain flour.

Whisk the eggs and remaining milk (and vanilla) for a few seconds and add to the above mixture. Stir just enough to mix the two lots together. A minute or so.

Now, get the oven at 160 degrees (fan) and pour the mixture into paper cases, about 2/3rds full. Cook for 20-25 minutes, removing them just as they start to turn golden.

Pretty much fairy cakes but taste nicer than normal ones and not as complicated as the ones I’m about to post about. I only made these as I had 2 eggs left and the shopping arrives tomorrow.

Preparation Time: 10 minutes
Cooking Time: 20 minutes
Difficulty: Easy

Ingredients

Weigh the butter out and cream it. Add the sugar and mix well, being careful to get rid of all the lumps of sugar. Add the golden syrup and stir again. Now break the eggs into something and mix them up pretty well. Add half of this to the butter and sugar and mix it in well. Add the rest of the egg and mix thoroughly. Now fold in the flour, half at a time.

This done, arrange 7-8 cake/muffin cases in a cupcake/muffin tin. Spoon the good stuff into the cases and smash on 160 degrees (fan) for about 15-20 mins. Once done, eat one warm and say “OMG”, or something.