Hating Idiots Since c1983

Since I was a very young boy I always though that to eat Eggs Benedict I’d have to be in a restaurant or fancy bar. Today I proved this to be untrue.

It’s actually easy as hats and I managed to make perfect poached eggs for the first time ever. So, you need this stuff here:

Get a big ass dep pan and fill with water an inch or so from the top. Bring it to the bil and add the vinegar. Maybe set the muffin toasting about now as we’ll only poach the eggs for 2.5 mins each. Chop it in half and put in’t toaster. Now, get a spoon and swirl the boiling water to get it vortexing faster than a pretty fast thing. Crack one of the eggs into a small jug or wtf and then slide it into the fast swirling water. In the middle, please. Now by the power of Greyskull it’ll form a tasty little sphere of egg. Let it boil for 2.5 mins and remove. Do the same with the next egg. MEANWHILE: When the muffin halves have toasted put them on’t plate and add a bit of the holland. Then fold the ham on. Then plonk the done eggs on. Then add more of holland.

Then eat.

Don’t forget to rinse your plate and put it in the dishwasher and turn the dishwasher on to prevent it being a pain in the arse to wash up later when you get back from the pub.

This recipe is from Lorna. I have yet to try it but when I remember to send the proles out to buy supplies I fully intend to create these. I have eaten some that Lorna made a while ago and they were this: amazing.

Ingredients:

I am told the quality of the chocolate is very important so don’t buy chocolate that is crap. Beware of dark chocolates that are bitter.

Melt the butter and plain chocolate over a pan of simmering water. When it’s all melted remove and let cool somewhat. Add the two eggs, sugar and vanilla, and stir thoroughly. Add the sifted flour and salt. Break the milk and white chocolate into chunks and add half to the mixture. Pour the amazing mixture into a greased tin and add the rest of the chocolate on top.

35-40 minutes on 160C, or probably 150C for the fan ovens amongst us.

Eat.

Was bored with flapjacks so:

– 6oz porridge oats
– 4oz plain flour
– 4oz caster sugar
– 4oz butter
– 2 dessert spoons golden syrup
– 1tsp bicarb

Mix oats, flour, sugar. Melt butter and mix with syrup. Mix bicarb with 2 dessert spoons boiling water. Add it to the butter and stir. Now add to dry stuff and mix. Oven at fan 160, put dessert spoons of it on greaseproof and cook for 10. It expands so leave an inch or so between.

Fool: Are you listening to music?
Human: yes
Fool: Coo-ool.

There used to be a buffer of empty desks between my people and foolish people. This has now been removed. Is bad.

Well, technically it isn’t Kerala as I substituted stuff for other stuff. It’s the best tasty thing I have made in years though.  Anyway, below are the ingredients:

• Some mixed seafood (I had mussels, prawns, crayfish)
• Thumb of ginger
• 4 Garlic cloves
• chilli peppers (I used 2 birds eye peppers, de-seeded (will add 1 more next time)
• 2tbsp olive oil
• Pinch of tarragon
• 1 Onion, finely chopped
• Juice of 1 lemon

Ok here is the instruction: Rinse and dry whatever sea food things you’re using.  Spread them out on a plate or whatnot and dust very lightly with some tumeric.  Leave this all aside to work its magic.

Now, put some oil in a large frying pan and add the finely chopped onion.  Heat on a low-medium heat till it’s soft.  Whilst this is going peel the ginger, skin the garlic and chop them both as fine as possible.  De-seed the peppers and finely chop these too.  Don’t touch your eyes at this stage k.  Add all this chopped stuff – and the tarragon – to the now soft onion.  Keep it cooking for another 5 minutes or so to soften the added ingredients and get them flavours networking like proper consultants.

At this stage with Kerala we’d now add coconut milk, but I don’t have any coconut milk so after much research and hesitation I substituted it with condensed milk, about 100ml, and about 150ml water.  Whack that in the pan now please.  You’ll also need to now panic and add a bit of cornflour to stop it all from curdling.  This means about a teaspoon of cornflour mixed with cold water and then added to the pan and stirred well.  Bring it all to the boil and simmer on a low heat for another 5 minutes.

Ok we’re about done.  All that is required now is to add the fishy bits!  So add them.  Now keep everything to a low simmer for 4-5 minutes just to heat everything through.  My mussels etc were already cooked and these things are quite sensitive to overcooking, and rather shit if you do.

Serve with rice.  If you can’t work out what time to start the rice then sod off.

Oh, if I’ve not mentioned it before, an easy way to cook most rice (any stuff that has cook times like 12-15 mins) is to rinse it out several times with cold water, drain.  Add twice as much in volume of boiling water as rice.  Make a good fitting lid out of foil so as to prevent any steam escaping.  Put the pan over the smallest hob on the lowest heat.  Leave it for 20 minutes.  I think you will like.

This is good as a starter really.

Cooked, peeled prawns
4 cloves garlic
Thumb of ginger
Sprinkle of tarragon
Some olive oil

Put all this in a food mixer and puree it.
Melt some butter in a pan and when hot add the mixture. When it’s bubbling add the prawns and heat for 4-5 mins.
Serve immediately, maybe with good bread.

Tasty.